Children who never learn what real love is

NOBODY can live without love, nor a normal life that is

Most patients in mental hospitals are there because they are sick from being unloved. If you know what it is to be put down, to be rejected, betrayed and unloved then this week’s column is for you.

The world is littered with the debris of broken homes because of people who have not known how to love each other. Perhaps they had mistaken attraction for the real thing. How can we know the truth about what real love is?

Today in a world that is plagued by infidelity, dishonesty and violence it is time to renew our faith in what God says about love and allow it to change our lives.

Young people are always intrigued about love. They constantly search books, magazines and watch films to learn what love is. It is a sad reflection on our modern world that they learn so little from the example of their parents and the community. That is because the media has manipulated the meaning of love and twisted it to mean passion, possession, domination or slavery, whichever takes their celluloid fancy. But it is of no help to a teenager who is of driven out on to the streets into the company of gangs to escape the unloving atmosphere of the house.

Many of the street children and drug dependent that have come to live at the PREDA center here in the Philippines fled their parents because they were deprived of love and made to feel useless and of no value.

They tell me that they grew up being told by their parents: “Wala kang Kwentang nak, mabuti pang hindi ka na ipinanganak” (“You are a worthless brat, better if you have never been born”). Sometimes the parents tried to blame their children: “Dahil sa iyo marami tayong problema, Ikaw and dahilan ng mga gulo s pamilya nating” (“You’re the cause of all our problems, because of you we have a broken home”).

Nothing could be more damaging to a child except incest and sexual abuse. Such hurtful words destroy a child’s self-image and leaves them little to live and strive for as a result. The pain never leaves the heart, it constricts the mind, it paralyses initiative for action and reduces accomplishment. Forgiveness can help, but pain persists.

Many of us have spent a lifetime trying to overcome the negative effects of biting criticism and childhood insults. We could have been much more fulfilled and accomplished had we had more support. It is only with positive support, affirmation, praise, encouragement and a feeling of being truly loved that a child will thrive and grow healthy, intelligent, unselfish, loving and dedicated to helping others.

Social concern for the poor comes from the unselfish examples of others. Parents that put down and cruelly criticize their own children have a loveless marriage. It would seem that such carping criticism is evidence of bearing an unwanted child.

In many parts of the world this is frequently the result of ‘shot-gun marriages’ where young couples are forced to marry without loving each other.

They are doomed by their parents and social pressures to a loveless life of drudgery and infidelity marked by constant arguments and even violence. It all begins from a lack of understanding about what love really is. Such couples get carried away by what is in reality sexual attraction and desire and ends up with a pregnancy.

In a society where abortion is rightly considered morally evil, an intolerant family or society can force young people into a loveless marriage. This is a disaster and without free consent and mutual love there is no marriage before God. The resulting child/children suffer also. A deprived child has real difficulty in loving others when he or she has not been loved at home.

The home is the most powerful and lasting influence on the personality and character of a child. That is why parents have a major responsibility for the way their child turns out. Too often the child is blamed for character faults, poor learning ability, and low grades – which in any case are erroneous measures of success in today’s unequal and artificial world. Parents must realize that their children are mirrors of themselves.

Children will be loving if loved, will be honest if treated justly; and they will be intelligent if they are affirmed in their self-worth. If children are treated as a treasure they will be citizens of great value when they mature.

Human right campaigner Fr. Shay Cullen reflects on how loveless childhood can paralyse a young person's life, because the pain never leaves the heart, while it presses on the mind