Is Your Child a Secret Drinker?
Many children experiment with alcohol, out of curiosity or
peer pressure. The difficulty for parents is to understand the
difference between what is a normal part of growing up and what
is potentially life-threatening. Peter Eldrid from the help
group Parentline Plus puts the distinction between experimentation
and abuse like this: "If alcohol is preventing a daily
activity, such as going to school, doing homework or getting
up in the morning, then there is a problem that must be addressed."
Children's bodies are still developing and cannot metabolise
alcohol as effectively as adults' bodies can. Their co-ordination
and judgement are quickly impaired which canlead to further
problems. Catherine Foxon of Wigan's Brook Centre, a sexual
health advice service, regularly sees girls of 13 or 14. "They'll
say:
'I don't know if I've had sex but I woke up with no knickers
on.' You have to be pretty drunk not to know what you've done."
Every parent needs to be on the lookout for the signs that their
child is becoming involved with alcohol.
His peer group drinks
Phillip Hodson, an agony uncle and fellow of the British Association
for Counselling warns, "You might not notice changes in
your child at first. But if he or she starts to spend time with
friends who are drinking, you can bet your child will too."
Her breath smells
Most alcohol smells on the breath. "It sounds obvious,"
says Dr Ann McPherson, co-author of Teenagers, the Agony,
the Ecstasy, the Answers (Warner, £7.99). "However,
a big sign to look out for is slurred speech and smelling of
drink."
Lisa Thompson, a counsellor from Wigan, knew something was wrong
when her son Simon, aged 12, came home smelling of cigarette
smoke and cider. "When I confronted him he admitted he'd
been with friends who'd been drinking and smoking," she
recalls. "He denied he'd been doing it himself, though
it was a sign of things to come."
Your money goes missing
"An unusual demand for cash can give away a drinking habit,"
says Dr McPherson. "Children will 'lose' dinner money and
ask for more. Bolder kids might even steal." Parent Jane
Dennis from Leeds becamesuspicious of her 13-year-old son David
when change went missing from her mantelpiece. "I could
never be quite sure how much I had left there," she recalls.
"I decided to stop putting it out. Money soon started to
go from my handbag, so I knew something was seriously wrong."
His daily habits change
Telltale behaviour changes might start with a child coming home
late and sneaking off to bed without speaking to anyone. He
or she might be hard to rouse in the morning and then unable
to face breakfast. School work might deteriorate too. "When
alcohol got a grip on David it became the focus of his life,"
says Jane Dennis. "When he wasn't drinking it, he was working
out how to get more. He stopped going out with friends, lost
interest in his family and school and just stayed in his room."
Recent emotional trauma
One reason alcohol is attractive to adults and to children is
that it can deaden pain. A child in emotional turmoil might
suddenly find drink appealing. When Simon Thompson was ten,
his father, to whom he'd been very close, left home.
"Out of protest or for comfort Simon started to eat compulsively
and he put on a lot of weight," says Lisa Thompson. "When
he turned 13 and his friends began drinking he replaced the
food with alcohol."
Mood swings
Alcohol is a powerful drug that alters the brain's chemistry.
Typically it produces two personalities: one that is aggressive,
inconsistent and sometimes incoherent, and the sober one that
denies what is happening and drinks because it makes denying
easier. "It's the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde,"
says Hodson. Parents of children who drink often find they are
living with a child they suddenly do not recognise."
Ann Peterson, who lives in London, has first-hand experience
of this. "My daughter Kate started to drink with an alcoholic
adult neighbour of ours. She was just seven years old when she
came home drunk. I was furious, but she continued drinking whenever
she could, becoming violent and uncontrollable. Later, when
she was sober once more, she'd apologise to me and say that
she would never do it again. However, she was simply telling
me what I wanted to hear. When she finally managed to give up
drinking, her personality changed again—I had my old, loving
daughter back."
He seems depressed
Depression can be both a cause and an effect of alcohol abuse.
The problem for parents is that puberty can produce similar
symptoms to clinical depression. "It's normal for a child
to go from getting up at seven every day, being positive, cheerful
and co-operative to suddenly getting up at noon and finding
everything boring," confirms Phillip Hodson.
You don't know where she is
If you don't know where your 11- or 12-year-old child is and
what he or she is doing 24 hours a day, something is not right.
Hodson advises finding a system that lets everybody in the family
know where everyone else is. "If you introduce it early
enough and stick to it then it becomes the norm."
Parents who have experienced any of the above should not be
too quick to assume their child is in immediate peril. Taking
risks and finding boundaries are a normalpart of growing up.
By the age of 16, 94 per cent of young people in the UK have
tried alcohol, but if you are afraid your child has developed
a problem it's important you take steps straight away:
Reject the behaviour, not the child
"Inside the most horrible behaviour there is often a positive
and perfectly nice person struggling to get out," explains
Peter Eldrid. "If you must be angry, target their behaviour,
not them personally."
Look for cues and triggers
Try to find out why your child is drinking at specific times.
It might be peer pressure at school, because they are worried
about something or because they feel depressed, guilty or just
bored. Says Hodson, "If they are drinking straight after
school because they've got nothing else to do, then find them
another activity."
Keep talking
"It's vital to keep lines of communication open,"
advises Dr McPherson. "Build bridges rather than burn them,
so don't lecture or preach. Don't make threats you cannot keep,
try to understand what has happened and explain your concerns
in a calm and reasonable way."
Eldrid recognises it can be difficult for parents to avoid conflict.
"They often go in with a positive message," he remarks,
"but are met with responses like, 'You're nagging me',
'You're putting me down', or 'You're judging me'. There can
be deep personal pressures behind alcohol abuse so you need
to be sensitive. The car is a good place to raise difficult
subjects, since you're not looking at each other face to face."
Know when to seek help
Asking for help doesn't mean you've given up; it's a sign of
strength, not weakness. "You may wish to talk to someone
you know—an older family member, a friend or your doctor,"
suggests Graham Goodwin of the Portman Group, a drinks industry-funded
body that works to prevent alcohol misuse. Or you can contact
an organisation such as Parentline Plus that gives specialist
advice and support in confidence."
After Ann Peterson was told that Kate, then 11, had attacked
a teacher with a chair, Ann realised she was out of control
and needed help. "We went into counselling and later to
a help group. It took three years of dreadful behaviour—she'd
swear at me and spit water at the counsellors. Then one day
she came to me and said, 'I'm an alcoholic and I want to give
up.' After that everything started to change for the better."
For more help
* To find a counsellor near you: www.counselling.co.uk
* Parentline Plus helpline: 0808 8002222
* Drinkline: 0800 9178282
* Brook helpline (for alcohol-related sexual health issues):
0800 0185023
* Al-Anon (for families and friends of problem drinkers):
0141 339 8884, http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
* Dr Ann McPherson's website www.drann.org
* For the Portman Group's leaflet "Discussing Drinking
With Your Children", telephone 0207 907 3700
* For the Portman Group's leaflet "Discussing Drinking
With Your Children", call 020 7907 3700 |
